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pirateygoodnessI am so torn about this week, you guys. WHATEVER. CARA WAS STILL HOT, THAT'S WHAT MATTERS HERE.
I Want Your Girlfriend To Be My Girlfriend, Too
A Legend of the Seeker 2.09 Gayspam
Okay, so Richard did a ton of stuff this week, and IDK, it involved a lot of women in flowy red dresses. The most important thing is that he sort of has the same hair as Zac Efron in his spring 2009 hairdresser boycott phase, except cleaner. Probably he should fix that.
ANYWAY, WE BEGIN THIS EPISODE WITH CARA AND KAHLAN, ALONE IN THE WOODS. They have apparently already hooked up, and now Kahlan is spending some quality time fondling Richard's sword. Cara comes up and is like, "Why is there water coming out of your face?"
Kahlan is really patient, because her baby is learning, and explains that she is sad because she has feelings. Cara is like, "Oh. Feelings are stupid. Except for angry, loyal, and proudand aroused. THOSE FEELINGS ARE GRATE. If you want, I could fix your feelings for you? I think it might involve pain."
Kahlan's all, "thanks, but. . .I'll pass?" Cara like, does not get her.
ALSO, OKAY. I AM TRYING TO PLAY IT COOL, BUT SERIOUSLY THIS SCENE WAS LIKE RIPPED VERBATIM FROM THIS THING I JUST WROTE and I FLIPPED OUT LIKE A DORK when I saw it for the first time.
UGH SO ANYWAY IN THIS EPISODE THEY HAVE TO NAME A NEW SEEKER. HE IS AN ENORMOUS DOUCHE.
WE MEET HIM AS HE'S DOING SOMETHING UNTOWARD WITH THE HORSES. Cara Agiels him in the neck, as she does whenever she meets someone new. There is this really disappointing moment, where she kicks him into camp all "THIS GUY WAS STEALING OUR HORSES" and Zedd launches into an epic wizard speech about how he is The Man They've Been Searching For (except, in a way that makes him sound like the dragon from The Paper Bag Princess a little.) instead of like, kicking him to the curb.
LOL and then Eyebrows McGee (his name is ~Leo~, like how can I even take him seriously) is all IS RICHARD DEAD? IS THAT WHY I'M THE SEEKER? and Kahlan's like, NO. NO HE'S DEFINITELY ALIVE, HE'S JUST - WE'RE ON A BREAK. She makes these little faces when she's trying to Control Her Powerful Feelings and oh my heart, I cannot even deal with them.
Anyway, blah blah, one true Seeker, Book of Counted Shadows, whatever. THE NEXT INTERESTING THING THAT HAPPENS is when Cara straight up ROLLS HER EYES, like the scariest sullen teen in the WORLD, and apologizes for Agieling him in the neck in this beautifully insincere way. AND THEN FLASHES HIM THE CRAZY EYES, JUST IN CASE HE THOUGHT SHE MEANT IT. He - thinks it's hot? Which honestly, I cannot blame him, but I still do not approve.
IDK, they name this joker the seeker. Kahlan is PRETTY, okay, especially when she looks remorseful, and also her new eyeliner FINALLY SUITS HER in this lighting, which is a blessed relief.
ANYWAY. Then this new dude is trying to be chivalrous to Cara, all "Can I help you get on your hoooorse little lady?" like she does not have TWO magic dildos and enjoy punching people in the throat for fun. SHE IS VERY RUDE IN THIS REALLY ENDEARING WAY.
(UGH although I do not enjoy Zedd's little "Don't bother flirting with the Mord'Sith, THEY ARE THE FUSSY KIND OF LADYFOLK." I might as well admit it now: I am watching this episode with my Cranky Feminist Glasses on, because of the scene that comes later with THAT BOY. I HAVE BEEN TRYING SO HARD TO WATCH THIS SHOW FOR THE LULZ, but I have a couple lapses this week.)
ANYWAY. VIOLENCE HAPPENS, and then UGH we get to this part. So anyway, Cara is keeping watch, and ~Leo~ walks up behind her all HEY LITTLE LADY YOU MUST BE TIRED. HOW ABOUT I KEEP WATCHIN YOUR PANTS :D?.
This, unsurprisingly, goes over poorly. He sees that there are horses, and continues to run his ~Pimp Game~, all SO. AS A WOMAN, I BET YOU LIKE ANIMALS. Cara's like, "Yeah, they're delish. Also I like to train them to kill people so that I don't have to work too hard. PS I'M A SOCIOPATH, GO AWAY."
And then, UGH. He like - IDK, goes on this weird tangent about the Mord'Sith training chipmunks, which is "cute" in a very lol-I'm-a-boy-sci-fi-writer-and-I-think-this-makes-me-sound-endearing sort of way. (That is: not really.) On the one hand Cara TRYING NOT TO SMILE DESPITE HERSELF was pretty adorable, but on the other SERIOUSLY WHY. She does not need this CREEPER flirting with her to Teach Her To Love. SHE WILL FIGURE IT OUT ON HER OWN EVENTUALLY.
In conclusion, UGH IF THIS GROSS BOY AND HIS WEIRD CHIPMUNK JOKES ARE WHAT FINALLY TEACHES HER TO FEEL REALHETERO LOVE, I MAY ACTUALLY VOMIT. BUT CARA IS REALLY CUTE. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL RIGHT NOW.
Cara at least has the decency to look pretty horrified with herself for giggling at his pimp game.
OKAY, BUT THEN THIS HAPPENS AND MAKES IT ALL BETTER (for me). You see, Kahlan is, of course, eavesdropping. And she's all, "I've never heard you laugh before. Youuuu liiiike a boyyyyyyy oh my god are you going to get MARRIED, you are, aren't you. HOW MANY KIDS ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE WITH ~LEO~, CARA."
Cara is grumpy, but secretly drawing C + KA + ~LEO~ + PAIN = TWU WUV in the dirt.
. . .AND THEN THEY SPOONED, okay? I just - I need to believe in my heart that it happened that way. Partly because Cara: Reluctant Little Spoon MAKES MY HEART HURT it would be so awesome, and also because GUYS, YOU SHOULD WRITE FIC WHERE THEY SPOON. PLEASE AND THANK YOU. I AM ISSUING A FORMAL ~QUEST~ TO THE INTERNET.
Oh. So the next day, Cara is tending to her horseif you know what I mean when she notices a disturbance. It's ~Leo~, playing with his sword with his shirt off, as boys like to do. She offers to spar with him, except that apparently the Mord'Sith don't spar, they just - I mean, it's still torturing people, but recreationally. I think this is her version of flirting back, which EW.
And then she lunges at him, but it's actually because he's about to get assassinated, not because she's into him.
GROSS.
Anyway, stuff happens, and Richard does things with the plot, and Cara and Kahlan go off on a girly field trip to Save Richard but eventually everyone reunites and they're going be Together Again next week, IT'LL BE RAD.
THE END.
Also, uh, this whole thing with prophecies and ish. Everyone realizes that the loophole in the "we should all kill Kahlan" prophecy is for her heart to be ~impure~, right? I SAY WE GET HER LAID, :D :D :D?
A Legend of the Seeker 2.09 Gayspam
Okay, so Richard did a ton of stuff this week, and IDK, it involved a lot of women in flowy red dresses. The most important thing is that he sort of has the same hair as Zac Efron in his spring 2009 hairdresser boycott phase, except cleaner. Probably he should fix that.
ANYWAY, WE BEGIN THIS EPISODE WITH CARA AND KAHLAN, ALONE IN THE WOODS. They have apparently already hooked up, and now Kahlan is spending some quality time fondling Richard's sword. Cara comes up and is like, "Why is there water coming out of your face?"
Kahlan is really patient, because her baby is learning, and explains that she is sad because she has feelings. Cara is like, "Oh. Feelings are stupid. Except for angry, loyal, and proud
Kahlan's all, "thanks, but. . .I'll pass?" Cara like, does not get her.
ALSO, OKAY. I AM TRYING TO PLAY IT COOL, BUT SERIOUSLY THIS SCENE WAS LIKE RIPPED VERBATIM FROM THIS THING I JUST WROTE and I FLIPPED OUT LIKE A DORK when I saw it for the first time.
UGH SO ANYWAY IN THIS EPISODE THEY HAVE TO NAME A NEW SEEKER. HE IS AN ENORMOUS DOUCHE.
WE MEET HIM AS HE'S DOING SOMETHING UNTOWARD WITH THE HORSES. Cara Agiels him in the neck, as she does whenever she meets someone new. There is this really disappointing moment, where she kicks him into camp all "THIS GUY WAS STEALING OUR HORSES" and Zedd launches into an epic wizard speech about how he is The Man They've Been Searching For (except, in a way that makes him sound like the dragon from The Paper Bag Princess a little.) instead of like, kicking him to the curb.
LOL and then Eyebrows McGee (his name is ~Leo~, like how can I even take him seriously) is all IS RICHARD DEAD? IS THAT WHY I'M THE SEEKER? and Kahlan's like, NO. NO HE'S DEFINITELY ALIVE, HE'S JUST - WE'RE ON A BREAK. She makes these little faces when she's trying to Control Her Powerful Feelings and oh my heart, I cannot even deal with them.
Anyway, blah blah, one true Seeker, Book of Counted Shadows, whatever. THE NEXT INTERESTING THING THAT HAPPENS is when Cara straight up ROLLS HER EYES, like the scariest sullen teen in the WORLD, and apologizes for Agieling him in the neck in this beautifully insincere way. AND THEN FLASHES HIM THE CRAZY EYES, JUST IN CASE HE THOUGHT SHE MEANT IT. He - thinks it's hot? Which honestly, I cannot blame him, but I still do not approve.
IDK, they name this joker the seeker. Kahlan is PRETTY, okay, especially when she looks remorseful, and also her new eyeliner FINALLY SUITS HER in this lighting, which is a blessed relief.
ANYWAY. Then this new dude is trying to be chivalrous to Cara, all "Can I help you get on your hoooorse little lady?" like she does not have TWO magic dildos and enjoy punching people in the throat for fun. SHE IS VERY RUDE IN THIS REALLY ENDEARING WAY.
(UGH although I do not enjoy Zedd's little "Don't bother flirting with the Mord'Sith, THEY ARE THE FUSSY KIND OF LADYFOLK." I might as well admit it now: I am watching this episode with my Cranky Feminist Glasses on, because of the scene that comes later with THAT BOY. I HAVE BEEN TRYING SO HARD TO WATCH THIS SHOW FOR THE LULZ, but I have a couple lapses this week.)
ANYWAY. VIOLENCE HAPPENS, and then UGH we get to this part. So anyway, Cara is keeping watch, and ~Leo~ walks up behind her all HEY LITTLE LADY YOU MUST BE TIRED. HOW ABOUT I KEEP WATCH
This, unsurprisingly, goes over poorly. He sees that there are horses, and continues to run his ~Pimp Game~, all SO. AS A WOMAN, I BET YOU LIKE ANIMALS. Cara's like, "Yeah, they're delish. Also I like to train them to kill people so that I don't have to work too hard. PS I'M A SOCIOPATH, GO AWAY."
And then, UGH. He like - IDK, goes on this weird tangent about the Mord'Sith training chipmunks, which is "cute" in a very lol-I'm-a-boy-sci-fi-writer-and-I-think-this-makes-me-sound-endearing sort of way. (That is: not really.) On the one hand Cara TRYING NOT TO SMILE DESPITE HERSELF was pretty adorable, but on the other SERIOUSLY WHY. She does not need this CREEPER flirting with her to Teach Her To Love. SHE WILL FIGURE IT OUT ON HER OWN EVENTUALLY.
In conclusion, UGH IF THIS GROSS BOY AND HIS WEIRD CHIPMUNK JOKES ARE WHAT FINALLY TEACHES HER TO FEEL REAL
Cara at least has the decency to look pretty horrified with herself for giggling at his pimp game.
OKAY, BUT THEN THIS HAPPENS AND MAKES IT ALL BETTER (for me). You see, Kahlan is, of course, eavesdropping. And she's all, "I've never heard you laugh before. Youuuu liiiike a boyyyyyyy oh my god are you going to get MARRIED, you are, aren't you. HOW MANY KIDS ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE WITH ~LEO~, CARA."
Cara is grumpy, but secretly drawing C + KA + ~LEO~ + PAIN = TWU WUV in the dirt.
. . .AND THEN THEY SPOONED, okay? I just - I need to believe in my heart that it happened that way. Partly because Cara: Reluctant Little Spoon MAKES MY HEART HURT it would be so awesome, and also because GUYS, YOU SHOULD WRITE FIC WHERE THEY SPOON. PLEASE AND THANK YOU. I AM ISSUING A FORMAL ~QUEST~ TO THE INTERNET.
Oh. So the next day, Cara is tending to her horse
And then she lunges at him, but it's actually because he's about to get assassinated, not because she's into him.
GROSS.
Anyway, stuff happens, and Richard does things with the plot, and Cara and Kahlan go off on a girly field trip to Save Richard but eventually everyone reunites and they're going be Together Again next week, IT'LL BE RAD.
THE END.
Also, uh, this whole thing with prophecies and ish. Everyone realizes that the loophole in the "we should all kill Kahlan" prophecy is for her heart to be ~impure~, right? I SAY WE GET HER LAID, :D :D :D?
