pirateygoodness

And so it begins.

I've obtained copies of the entire Sword of Truth series - ie, the series that Legend of the Seeker, the awesome kickass TV show of rad chicks making out and punching shit - is based on. The books seem to be less rad.

I plan to post book excerpts under the cuts, for the purpose of gentle mockery and lighthearted discussion. I will continue this pretty much until I get bored, and then I'll stop. These excerpts will always be posted with warnings - there is, I have been told, some non-con in the books, and that will be warned for extensively, as will anything else I quote that I feel is particularly problematic and/or triggery.

However, I'm starting this off light, with something that I'm pretty sure is just comedy gold.

Wizard's First Rule, by Terry Goodkind, p65
Warnings: none

"Rahl then outlawed the use of all magic and declared anyone using it an insurrectionist. You must understand that in the MIdlands magic is a part of many people, many creatures. It would be like saying you are a criminal for having two arms and two legs, and must have them cut off. Then he outlawed fire."

His eyes came up from the soup. "Fire? Why?"

"Darken Rahl does not explain his orders. But wizards use fire. Even so he does not fear wizards. He has more power than his father ever did, more than any wizard. His followers give all kinds of reasons, the main one being that it was used against Darken Rahl's father, so fire is a sign of disrespect to the house of Rahl."

"That's why you wanted to sit in front of a fire."

She nodded. "To have a fire in the wrong place in the midlands, without the approval of Darken Rahl or his followers, is to invite death." She pushed at the dirt with a stick. "Maybe in Westland, too. Your brother seems close to outlawing fire. Maybe. . ."

GUYS YOU CAN'T OUTLAW FIRE. EVERYONE KNOWS FIRE BEATS EVERYTHING.

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS FOR FUN. I'M REALLY REALLY SORRY IF YOU THINK THE BOOKS ARE THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD. JUST KIDDING, ETC ETC.