lots 2.11 ladyspam: two kahlans, no waiting

[pirateygoodness]

Ahahaha. This is, essentially, an episode recap, as EVERY SINGLE SCENE HAD CHICKS IN IT. I approve, show, damn, but this entire post is obscenely image-heavy. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Legend of the Seeker 2.11 Ladyspam: Two Kahlans, No Waiting

LOLLL so we open with everyone discussing how they're about to arrive at the most romantic spot in all the Midlands. We also learn that Kahlan and her sister liked to hit up romantic hotspots and - IDK, spoon and hold hands and fantasize about taking ~mates~, and that Cara thinks the blood of two hundred corpses is way more romantic than talking about lovers' hearts.

Her face sort of makes me think of, like - you know that bit in S2 of Buffy, where Angel gives Drusilla a still-beating human heart as a Valentine's Day present? CARA WOULD BE INTO THAT SHIT. Other things she finds attractive: people who commit suicide instead of surrendering.



LATER, they are still wandering around the woods, and Richard is trying to ~track the villains~ who tortured and killed some people. Cara stomps after him, all "LOOK, Richard, I know from torture. These guys were total amateurs, and they did all their torturing like last week. Stop trying to impress my your GF with your ~tracking skills~ and listen to me." I - I love when she's huffy.

ANYWAY also a corpse appears out of nowhere and everyone looks very concerned. I think Powerful Magic may be afoot, here.



So, the magic corpse does in fact mean that Powerful Magic is afoot, and Kahlan has to go to Aydindril. But Richard can't go with her. But he wants to, etc.

THE IMPORTANT THING HERE is Cara's reaction, which is just perfect. Basically, she turns and is just like, "That is several thousand miles in the opposite direction, HOW DID YOU IDIOTS EVER GET ANYTHING DONE. HONESTLY BY NOW I COULD HAVE FOUND THE STONE OF TEARS, USED IT, AND THEN ORGANIZED A FABULOUS LADIES' HOT TUB PARTY TO CELEBRATE AND SPENT A WEEK DRUNK AND WELL-SEXED AND NOT IN THE WOODS. WHY AM I SURROUNDED BY AMATEURS."

I mean, she says most of that with her eyes? But it's pretty much what happens.



So anyway, Kahlan and Zedd do Powerful Magic, and they're supposed to both get teleported to Aydindril together. UNFORTUNATELY, Kahlan gets split in half. THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR EVERYBODY.

I shall be calling the one left behind in the clearing, Lady Kahlan, and the one at Aydindril, Sir Kahlan, for reasons that I think will become obvious.





Lady Kahlan immediately realizes that Something Is Not Right, and decides that the solution is to book it up to Aydindril and check on Zedd, who may be in Mortal Peril. Cara is about as thrilled with this idea as you would expect, but Lady Kahlan is really smiley and cute, so everyone decides to go on a field trip to Aydindril.



You guys, we are back to Sir Kahlan. Who is a pimp. She is wearing her Hood Of Judgement and defeating armies using the power of her eyebrows and sheer will. Something is not right? DON'T FRET, Sir Kahlan will just walk right in and CONFESS TREACHEROUS VILLAINS UNTIL IT'S FIXED, BITCH.

ALSO SHE'S GOT A THRONE.



MEANWHILE, Lady Kahlan is not having the best day ever. She and Richard and Cara get into a horrible brawl, as they tend to, and DURNING THE HEAT OF BATTLE, Kahlan tries to confess someone. And she can't get it up HER POWER DOES NOT WORK. The look of panic and horror on her face is just ART.



She is freaking out, along the lines of THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ANYONE BEFORE, I'M SO ASHAMED, I'M NOT A REAL CONFESSOR ANYMORE. Richard is trying to be nice, all "It's okay, I'm sure this happens a lot, we'll try again in a half hour," but Lady Kahlan is inconsolable.

This will be a theme.



While this goes on, Sir Kahlan is chilling out on her throne, wearing her sexy white dress, swinging her knees and eating bonbons and enforcing rules. It's totally hot.

People are like, praising her benevolent judgement, and she's all "Yeah, I get that a lot." Because, as Sir Kahlan, she probably does. But when Zedd tries to use magic to grow this dude's hand back, she's not having any of it, because it's in the laws.

Guys, I - I'm just saying? I would let Sir Kahlan enforce edicts in my kingdom in a HEARTBEAT.



So anyway, that night, Lady Kahlan is lying under the stars, thinking about getting laid Richard. She goes so far as to wake him up, and then - lol. They decide to "go for a walk," to "talk," and leave poor Cara all alone. LIKE, LOOK YOU GUYS, EVERYONE KNOWS "GOING FOR A WALK" IS MIDLANDS CODE FOR "WATCHING A MOVIE" OR "DRIVING UP TO MAKEOUT POINT TO LOOK AT THE VIEW." They are third wheeling her so hard, how inconsiderate.



LOL so they have a ~talk.~ What Lady Kahlan means to say is "DUDE: LOOPHOLE, WE CAN TOTALLY BANG NOW." Except that she's Lady Kahlan, and therefore physiologically incapable of saying any words related to sex, so she has to kind of blink significantly and sigh a lot. After a while, Richard is all, "Oh. OH, you mean HAVE RELATIONS."

And unghkdjfk;ldkjlk;safdj then she looks up at him, and says IF YOU WANT TO, and I totally swooned. Why do I enjoy it when she has low self-esteem this much.



LOLLL OKAY. MEANWHILE, Sir Kahlan is in her bedchamber, signing edicts and taking care of business, when her manservant comes in to see if he can serve her. She gives him the once-over and is all, "Well, look. I need someone to knock me up, and I'm pretty sure you'd be an adequate stud. Take off your pants."

The dude, naturally, is all YES PLEASE, I WILL TRY SUPER HARD TO PLEASE YOU and UNF. Sir Kahlan just looks at him, all, "Well, I'm sure you'll try."

ALSO SHE REFUSES TO LET HIM KISS HER, BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT FOREPLAY BULLSHIT. GUYS, I THINK SIR KAHLAN AND CARA WOULD BE BFFs FOREVER.



Ohhh and then there is a Sex Montage. Of course there is. I am not going to lie, guys, Sir Kahlan looks like more fun in bed than Lady Kahlan, but I PRETTY MUCH APPROVE OF ALL OF THIS.





So on the one hand, in this scene and the following one, Lady Kahlan is kissing and smiley and half-naked, which I really enjoy. On the other hand, she appears to have THE CRAZY.

First she does not want Richard to gooooo and then he gooooes and Cara is like, "Wow, looks like you had a nice long walk last night, champ" and Lady Kahlan FREAKS OUT LIKE A JEALOUS NUTCASE and starts crying. I cannot deal with how embarrassed I was for Lady Kahlan when I first watched this scene. The only good part was Cara's face, which I think says more about Lady Kahlan than I ever could with words.



IDK. Lady Kahlan cries a lot and like, frets that Richard doesn't love her or something. Over the course of her ridiculous sobbing, Richard begins to suspect that Something Is Not Right.

MEANWHILE, Sir Kahlan is keeping shit in line at Aydindril. Zedd is trying to inform her about a ~terrible rumor~ that she took a ~mate, which would be ridiculous because, you know, eternal celibacy/she loved Richard across time, etc.

She turns to him, in this beautiful shining moment of badassery, all "no no, I did. He's a great stud." When Zedd objects, she just - like, in a very short sentences/easy words way, basically tells him, "Look. Part of my job is to produce dozens of adorable magic babies. That's important. Love is for bitches."

Zedd keeps objecting, and she has him clapped in irons. GUYS I LOVE HER. I WISH SHE COULD BE AROUND FOR ALWAYS.



Anyway. Around this time, Lady Kahlan and Richard and Cara arrive, just in time to watch Zedd's public sentencing. Lady Kahlan freaks out, of course, and Richard has to a) figure out what is going on FOR HER, and also b) PUT ON HER HOOD FOR HER. Apparently, when you are made of nothing but feelings, you have the foresight and capacity for logic of a toddler.



So anyway, Richard and Zedd have a meeting of the minds, and work out what's going on. WOULD IT SHOCK YOU TO KNOW THAT THE ANSWER IS RELATED TO POWERFUL MAGIC?

WHATEVER. THE PART THAT FOLLOWS IS A BEAUTIFUL SCENE MADE OF ART.

Part The First: Sir Kahlan meets Richard, and just smirks at him like an indolent Viking lord. I swear to god, looking at her FACES, I'm pretty sure she should have a chicken leg in one hand and a flagon of mead in the other while slave girls massage her feet. Richard also gets her to say the word "sex," so you know she can't be right, because Real Kahlan would blush like a schoolgirl.



Part The Second: Sir Kahlan is introduced to Lady Kahlan, and makes fun of her for having feelings. She ponders, briefly, how hot it would be to make out with herself, while Lady Kahlan looks tender and sweet and frightened. The bit where Sir Kahlan figures out that Lady Kahlan doesn't have powers and then she sort of hides behind Richard, unf.

Then Lady Kahlan starts talking, and it's suddenly way less hot, because WOW. GUYS, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU REPRESS YOUR SEXUALITY FOR THE ENTIRETY OF YOUR ADULT LIFE: YOU GET WEIRD.



Part The Third: there is an enormous brawl, in which Sir Kahlan CONFESSES HERSELF, and then CARA TOPS THE HELL OUT OF HER SAVES THE DAY. Because if there's one thing she's good at, it's SETTLING ISSUES WITH VIOLENCE.



LOLLL and then both Kahlans try to play the ~with child~ card as a way to keep from getting combined into Real Kahlan, which is way lame. EXCEPT FOR THE PART when Zedd uses Powerful Magic to check that they are not, and Sir Kahlan is all, "BUT - BUT MANSERVANT AND I COPULATED MANY, MANY TIMES." Like, out loud. Again: I love her.

ANYWAY. Zedd fixes everything, as per usual, and Kahlan conveniently doesn't remember a thing. EVEN BEING DEFLOWERED.

AWKWARD.

NEXT WEEK: Awesome things happen.