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pirateygoodnessSo, you know that episode that every show ever set in high school has? The one where two characters with sexual tension are partnered up for a school project where they have to raise an egg baby/take care of a doll/whatever?
That is the Cara/Kahlan subplot of this episode. I SPENT THE WHOLE TIME GIGGLING AND CLAPPING.
Legend of the Seeker Ladyspam 2.19: A Magical Night in the Meat Locker Grotto
Unf Cara smiled so much during this episode, and not only do I love when Tabrett Bethell smiles, OH GOD it just makes my heart twist for Cara, because DO YOU GUYS REALIZE SHE HASN'T EVER LOOKED HAPPY WHILE NOT KILLING SOMEONE OR BEING SARCASTIC THIS WHOLE SEASON?
At least, until this scene, in which they are walking through the forest and Cara THINKS IT'S SNOWING. JUST LOOK AT HER FAAAAAAAACE <3 <3 <3 < 3<3
OH, SORRY, actually the entire night wisp forest is on fire because Darken Rahl, shockingly, is still evil.
As you can imagine, this week's crop of D'Harans are totally fucked, because they just burned down Kahlan's very favourite forest. The only just punishment, in this case, is for Kahlan to STAB THE SHIT OUT OF SOME DUDES.
Cara helps.
LOL so then there is this whole thing with the night wisps, which apparently is Cara and Kahlan's storyline this episode. I really want to take it seriously, because Kahlan seems really invested in them continuing to exist and be BFFs with the confessors. But I cannot quite get past LOLLLL SERIOUSLY IT'S A TINY BLUE LIGHT THAT MAKES PIGEON SOUNDS. IDEK. I assume they are ~from the books and have some kind of significance, they are still HILARIOUS on TV.
Anyway, Kahlan is devastated because all of the night wisps probably caught fire. Cara is still sort of confused about why they have decided that finding the Stone of Tears is no longer important without the instructions, considering the fact that they did not have instructions from episodes 2 to 17 and they quested just fine. Also, Darken Rahl is in possession of the last night wisp ever in existence.
Basically, Darken Rahl wants to blackmail Richard and Kahlan and Zedd and Cara into giving him the magic scroll, so that he can use his magic night wisp - the only one in the entire forest - to read it. Then he wants to follow them to get the magic stone so that he can use it to close the magic rift, and BE KING AGAIN. MAGIC KING. OF MAGIC.
Cara seems sort of impressed by how much he is smarter than Richard.
Okay, so. The last night wisp in existence is, conveniently, ~with young~. HOWEVER it can only give birth in a ~grotto~ somewhere far away, so Kahlan and Cara have to escort it there safely. (Cara needs to come because there aregars dragons, and that's dangerous for Kahlan by herself.)
I AM SO HAPPY I COULD CRY, IT HAS BEEN ALMOST A MONTH SINCE DESECRATED AND I WAS GETTING WORRIED.
Anyway, before they all ~part ways, Cara gets to manhandle Darken Rahl a little bit. He looks sullen and a little bit like Draco Malfoy.
OBLIGATORY KAHLAN-AND-RICHARD-PART-WAYS SCENE. Except, this time, Cara butts in and is all, "SERIOUSLY WE GET IT YOU'RE INTO EACH OTHER. THIS IS SUPER GROSS,STOP MAKING EYES AT MY GIRLFRIEND WE'VE GOT THINGS TO DO."
Kahlan watches Cara, a little bit coy and obviously touched by Cara's feelings. Ominously, Darken Rahl ~notices Cara's discomfort with Richard and Kahlan's love.
Afterwards, as The Brothers Rahl watch Kahlan and Cara depart, Darken starts discussing Richard's sex life. Basically Darken's part of the conversation goes something like, "Wow, it sucks that you can't bang Kahlan, dude. GOOD THING CARA GIVES GREAT BJs, AM I RIGHT? YEAHHHHHHHHH MORD'SITH CHICKS ARE EASY. LOOK HOW EVIL I AM, I TREAT MY WOMEN LIKE OBJECTS."
Richard punches him to defend - I think Cara's honour? Possibly Kahlan's. Either way, it's adorable and totally unnecessary and I love him for it.
Okay, as an aside, :D :D :D I AM TOTALLY STOKED THAT REN IS BACK. I love that goofy kid, his was secretly one of my favourite episodes of S1. I DON'T KNOW, I JUST LIKE THAT HE'S TOTALLY AMORAL EXCEPT THAT HE THINKS RICHARD AND KAHLAN ARE HIS PARENTS, IT'S CUTE.
ANYWAY, back to the ladyplot. Bridget Regan is such a trooper, because right now Kahlan is having a long, giggly conversation withher hands her night wisp friend about babies and family and babies and love. Apparently the night wisp thinks she should get ~with child.
Cara is, for some reason, finding it irritating.
This exchange is just amazing. I probably should not find it as funny as I do, but Kahlan is all "LOOK MYIMAGINARY NIGHT WISP FRIEND IS REALLY FRAGILE, SHE LIKES IT WHEN I TALK TO HER." and then Cara's like "HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S SAYING, IT SOUNDS LIKE A PIGEON" and Kahlan's like "IT TALKS IN A MAGICAL LANGUAGE, ONLY REALLY ADVANCED LISTENERS GET IT."
Cara looks at Kahlan like she is even sillier than the ex-girlfriend she once had who tried to convince her to go vegan. I. . .am pretty sure I heard a similar exchange on an episode of Sesame Street about imaginary friends, so I honestly do not blame her.
ANYWAY. That night, they're wandering through the woods, and they cross intogar dragon territory. Cara and Kahlan hide between the trees, breathing heavily and leaning close to one another. There are some really beautiful eyelines, and also this moment where Kahlan turns to Cara and is just like, "there are dragons. Get your agiels."
(Cara obeys, because they are going steady, obviously.)
Cut to the most wonderfully gratuitous scene ever. Kahlan is running through the woods, presumably to distract the dragon with her cleavage and the way that she's artfully sweaty and disheveled. By accident, she twists her ankle and has to lie on the ground with the camera angled directly down her corset.
Meanwhile, Cara runs away with theblue light night wisp. She has to talk to her hand the night wisp for a bit, and it's kind of cute.
LOLLLL AND THEN CARA HAS TO TALK TO HER HAND SOME MORE, while she looks for Kahlan. She brags about how she's faster than Kahlan and has better endurance, while I - and, I assume, the night wisp - try to stay out of the gutter with that one.
OH AND THEN CARA LEARNS TO UNDERSTAND THE ~MAGICAL LANGUAGE OF THE NIGHT WISPS. AND GIGGLES. IT'S REALLLY, REALLLLLLLY CUTE AND NOT ACTUALLY THAT OUT OF CHARACTER AT ALL. This marks the first of many instances of Cara having feelings this week.
Kahlan has twisted her ankle, so she's waiting for Cara, looking well-lit and a bit disheveled in the forest. Cara and Kahlan have a ~moment~ when Cara lets on that she has learned the ~magical language of the night wisps.~ I swear to god it's the gayest thing, she makes a face like Belle when she catches the Beast feeding birds in the snow.
IT IS NOT AN "I'M GLAD I KNOW YOU BETTER AS A FRIEND SO THAT WE CAN DISCUSS OUR HETEROSEXUAL ATTRACTION TO BOYS" LOOK, IS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY. Anyway, Cara has to escort the night wisp to the birthing ~grotto alone.
LOL so apparently back in the A plot, there's a guy whose arm is made of lava. That may be an issue later. But OH GOD, I am having too much fun with the Cara/Kahlan plot to care, because NOW WE COME TO THE PART WHERE CARA HAS A THERAPY SESSION WITH HER HAND. It is amazing.
Clearly,her hand the night wisp is trying to tell her that Kahlan and her other friends ~care for her~ and Cara's like, "WHATEVER, THEY DON'T LOVE ME. IT'S JUST THAT I'M USEFUL. STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME ADMIT TO FEELINGS THIS IS A STUPID CONVERSATION."
Man, at Midlands High she was totally the goth kid with purple-streaked hair who sat in the back and drew upside-down pentagrams on her math books. Probably she'd also get in trouble a lot for throwing spitballs at the kids she had crushes on.
They keep talking, and there is a beautiful moment where Cara is all STOP ASKING ME IF I LOVE YOU, UGH YOU SOUND LIKE KAHLAN. Eventually, her hand manages to get her to admit out loud that she loves Richard and probably also Kahlan and maybe Zedd. Make of that what you will.
Like, this should by all rights be ridiculous, but it just works. Cara makes the most frightened, vulnerable faces, even talking about feelings to nobody but her hand, and it just makes my chest hurt. FEELINGS ARE SO HARD FOR HER, GUYS. THE WAY SHE IS AN ABSOLUTE BLACK HOLE OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND SHATTERED HOPES IS ABSOLUTELY HEARTBREAKING.
ANYWAY after a ridiculous scene between The Brothers Rahl that I'm sure will bring a hundred jillion boyslashers many happy dreams, Cara and her hand arrive at the ~magical grotto, which is filled with lilies and waterfalls and sunshine. SHE LOOKS SO SMILEY until she realizes that the night wisp has died. Or is dying. I don't know, apparently they are very fragile, this seems to happen a lot.
Anyway, Cara's approach is to place it delicately on a flower and then apologize for failing, because she is the ultimate girl-woobie and deserves all the hugs, OBVIOUSLY.
(As a pretentious aside, I also really love the juxtaposition of Cara and the set, here. She looks so entirely out of place, all disheveled and a little dirty while everything around her is in shades of pink and green looking clean and new. It adds something.)
Anyway, then the night wisp has several thousand babies, so it's cool that she died. ALSO CARA IS CRYING, BECAUSE APPARENTLY DEEP DOWN SHEWOULD BE THE BEST BABYDADDY EVER HAS A LOT OF MATERNAL INSTINCTS.
I BET SHE ALSO CRIES AT WEDDINGS. LIKE IN THE BACK, ONCE SHE'S A LITTLE BIT DRUNK AND THINKS NOBODY CAN SEE HER.
OH RIGHT, SO THEN. Kahlan is hobbling through the forest, alone, on her sprained ankle. All of a sudden, CARA IS THERE, HELPING HER CLIMB UP A HIGH STEP LIKE THE CHIVALROUS WINNER SHE IS. Kahlan asks how things went, and Cara gives her this starry-eyed smile and mentions that night wisps are really pretty.
Kahlan just stares, like there may be something there that wasn't there beforeand possibly like she's having funny feelings in her pants over it.
IT'S REALLY, SCREAMINGLY GAY. Because this show loves me.
NNSDKFJLKDSJLJ ALSO THE PROMO FOR NEXT WEEK IS SO TOE-CURLINGLY AWESOME LOOKING I DO NOT EVEN HAVE WORDS. HERE ARE SOME SELECTED CAPS. WHAT THE EVERLOVING OMG THIS SHOW IS TOO GOOD.
That is the Cara/Kahlan subplot of this episode. I SPENT THE WHOLE TIME GIGGLING AND CLAPPING.
Unf Cara smiled so much during this episode, and not only do I love when Tabrett Bethell smiles, OH GOD it just makes my heart twist for Cara, because DO YOU GUYS REALIZE SHE HASN'T EVER LOOKED HAPPY WHILE NOT KILLING SOMEONE OR BEING SARCASTIC THIS WHOLE SEASON?
At least, until this scene, in which they are walking through the forest and Cara THINKS IT'S SNOWING. JUST LOOK AT HER FAAAAAAAACE <3 <3 <3 < 3<3
OH, SORRY, actually the entire night wisp forest is on fire because Darken Rahl, shockingly, is still evil.
As you can imagine, this week's crop of D'Harans are totally fucked, because they just burned down Kahlan's very favourite forest. The only just punishment, in this case, is for Kahlan to STAB THE SHIT OUT OF SOME DUDES.
Cara helps.
LOL so then there is this whole thing with the night wisps, which apparently is Cara and Kahlan's storyline this episode. I really want to take it seriously, because Kahlan seems really invested in them continuing to exist and be BFFs with the confessors. But I cannot quite get past LOLLLL SERIOUSLY IT'S A TINY BLUE LIGHT THAT MAKES PIGEON SOUNDS. IDEK. I assume they are ~from the books and have some kind of significance, they are still HILARIOUS on TV.
Anyway, Kahlan is devastated because all of the night wisps probably caught fire. Cara is still sort of confused about why they have decided that finding the Stone of Tears is no longer important without the instructions, considering the fact that they did not have instructions from episodes 2 to 17 and they quested just fine. Also, Darken Rahl is in possession of the last night wisp ever in existence.
Basically, Darken Rahl wants to blackmail Richard and Kahlan and Zedd and Cara into giving him the magic scroll, so that he can use his magic night wisp - the only one in the entire forest - to read it. Then he wants to follow them to get the magic stone so that he can use it to close the magic rift, and BE KING AGAIN. MAGIC KING. OF MAGIC.
Cara seems sort of impressed by how much he is smarter than Richard.
Okay, so. The last night wisp in existence is, conveniently, ~with young~. HOWEVER it can only give birth in a ~grotto~ somewhere far away, so Kahlan and Cara have to escort it there safely. (Cara needs to come because there are
I AM SO HAPPY I COULD CRY, IT HAS BEEN ALMOST A MONTH SINCE DESECRATED AND I WAS GETTING WORRIED.
Anyway, before they all ~part ways, Cara gets to manhandle Darken Rahl a little bit. He looks sullen and a little bit like Draco Malfoy.
OBLIGATORY KAHLAN-AND-RICHARD-PART-WAYS SCENE. Except, this time, Cara butts in and is all, "SERIOUSLY WE GET IT YOU'RE INTO EACH OTHER. THIS IS SUPER GROSS,
Kahlan watches Cara, a little bit coy and obviously touched by Cara's feelings. Ominously, Darken Rahl ~notices Cara's discomfort with Richard and Kahlan's love.
Afterwards, as The Brothers Rahl watch Kahlan and Cara depart, Darken starts discussing Richard's sex life. Basically Darken's part of the conversation goes something like, "Wow, it sucks that you can't bang Kahlan, dude. GOOD THING CARA GIVES GREAT BJs, AM I RIGHT? YEAHHHHHHHHH MORD'SITH CHICKS ARE EASY. LOOK HOW EVIL I AM, I TREAT MY WOMEN LIKE OBJECTS."
Richard punches him to defend - I think Cara's honour? Possibly Kahlan's. Either way, it's adorable and totally unnecessary and I love him for it.
Okay, as an aside, :D :D :D I AM TOTALLY STOKED THAT REN IS BACK. I love that goofy kid, his was secretly one of my favourite episodes of S1. I DON'T KNOW, I JUST LIKE THAT HE'S TOTALLY AMORAL EXCEPT THAT HE THINKS RICHARD AND KAHLAN ARE HIS PARENTS, IT'S CUTE.
ANYWAY, back to the ladyplot. Bridget Regan is such a trooper, because right now Kahlan is having a long, giggly conversation with
Cara is, for some reason, finding it irritating.
This exchange is just amazing. I probably should not find it as funny as I do, but Kahlan is all "LOOK MY
Cara looks at Kahlan like she is even sillier than the ex-girlfriend she once had who tried to convince her to go vegan. I. . .am pretty sure I heard a similar exchange on an episode of Sesame Street about imaginary friends, so I honestly do not blame her.
ANYWAY. That night, they're wandering through the woods, and they cross into
(Cara obeys, because they are going steady, obviously.)
Cut to the most wonderfully gratuitous scene ever. Kahlan is running through the woods, presumably to distract the dragon with her cleavage and the way that she's artfully sweaty and disheveled. By accident, she twists her ankle and has to lie on the ground with the camera angled directly down her corset.
Meanwhile, Cara runs away with the
LOLLLL AND THEN CARA HAS TO TALK TO HER HAND SOME MORE, while she looks for Kahlan. She brags about how she's faster than Kahlan and has better endurance, while I - and, I assume, the night wisp - try to stay out of the gutter with that one.
OH AND THEN CARA LEARNS TO UNDERSTAND THE ~MAGICAL LANGUAGE OF THE NIGHT WISPS. AND GIGGLES. IT'S REALLLY, REALLLLLLLY CUTE AND NOT ACTUALLY THAT OUT OF CHARACTER AT ALL. This marks the first of many instances of Cara having feelings this week.
Kahlan has twisted her ankle, so she's waiting for Cara, looking well-lit and a bit disheveled in the forest. Cara and Kahlan have a ~moment~ when Cara lets on that she has learned the ~magical language of the night wisps.~ I swear to god it's the gayest thing, she makes a face like Belle when she catches the Beast feeding birds in the snow.
IT IS NOT AN "I'M GLAD I KNOW YOU BETTER AS A FRIEND SO THAT WE CAN DISCUSS OUR HETEROSEXUAL ATTRACTION TO BOYS" LOOK, IS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY. Anyway, Cara has to escort the night wisp to the birthing ~grotto alone.
LOL so apparently back in the A plot, there's a guy whose arm is made of lava. That may be an issue later. But OH GOD, I am having too much fun with the Cara/Kahlan plot to care, because NOW WE COME TO THE PART WHERE CARA HAS A THERAPY SESSION WITH HER HAND. It is amazing.
Clearly,
Man, at Midlands High she was totally the goth kid with purple-streaked hair who sat in the back and drew upside-down pentagrams on her math books. Probably she'd also get in trouble a lot for throwing spitballs at the kids she had crushes on.
They keep talking, and there is a beautiful moment where Cara is all STOP ASKING ME IF I LOVE YOU, UGH YOU SOUND LIKE KAHLAN. Eventually, her hand manages to get her to admit out loud that she loves Richard and probably also Kahlan and maybe Zedd. Make of that what you will.
Like, this should by all rights be ridiculous, but it just works. Cara makes the most frightened, vulnerable faces, even talking about feelings to nobody but her hand, and it just makes my chest hurt. FEELINGS ARE SO HARD FOR HER, GUYS. THE WAY SHE IS AN ABSOLUTE BLACK HOLE OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND SHATTERED HOPES IS ABSOLUTELY HEARTBREAKING.
ANYWAY after a ridiculous scene between The Brothers Rahl that I'm sure will bring a hundred jillion boyslashers many happy dreams, Cara and her hand arrive at the ~magical grotto, which is filled with lilies and waterfalls and sunshine. SHE LOOKS SO SMILEY until she realizes that the night wisp has died. Or is dying. I don't know, apparently they are very fragile, this seems to happen a lot.
Anyway, Cara's approach is to place it delicately on a flower and then apologize for failing, because she is the ultimate girl-woobie and deserves all the hugs, OBVIOUSLY.
(As a pretentious aside, I also really love the juxtaposition of Cara and the set, here. She looks so entirely out of place, all disheveled and a little dirty while everything around her is in shades of pink and green looking clean and new. It adds something.)
Anyway, then the night wisp has several thousand babies, so it's cool that she died. ALSO CARA IS CRYING, BECAUSE APPARENTLY DEEP DOWN SHE
I BET SHE ALSO CRIES AT WEDDINGS. LIKE IN THE BACK, ONCE SHE'S A LITTLE BIT DRUNK AND THINKS NOBODY CAN SEE HER.
OH RIGHT, SO THEN. Kahlan is hobbling through the forest, alone, on her sprained ankle. All of a sudden, CARA IS THERE, HELPING HER CLIMB UP A HIGH STEP LIKE THE CHIVALROUS WINNER SHE IS. Kahlan asks how things went, and Cara gives her this starry-eyed smile and mentions that night wisps are really pretty.
Kahlan just stares, like there may be something there that wasn't there before
IT'S REALLY, SCREAMINGLY GAY. Because this show loves me.
NNSDKFJLKDSJLJ ALSO THE PROMO FOR NEXT WEEK IS SO TOE-CURLINGLY AWESOME LOOKING I DO NOT EVEN HAVE WORDS. HERE ARE SOME SELECTED CAPS. WHAT THE EVERLOVING OMG THIS SHOW IS TOO GOOD.